It has been a long and slightly discouraging road through the holiday season. But I survived it, I learned greatly from it, and I am a better person because of it. It was very daunting, but I opened myself up long enough to learn some valuable lessons from an unlikely source. I learned that my pain IS manageable, that I am OKAY, that I am NOT going to die from emotional trauma. Post-traumatic stress disorder is VERY real, but I am no longer under its command. I am my own person, free to make my own choices, free to live my life without fear and be the best that I can be. So today is the start of that. My weight carries very significant value to my past hurts, almost a spiritual connection of some sort. I feel as though as long as I have it, I will never totally be free from the past. I emotionally ate my way through my last pregnancy, and I want to strip off every last bit of it. My goal, to myself:
This week:
- Complete 4 sessions of TaeBo 1 (Getting Started), 35 mins of 45 mins total.
- Curb my sugar addiction. Today, no extra sugar in my diet. This will be a day-by-day process.
Next week:
- Complete 4 whole sessions of TaeBo 1, 45 mins total.
- Be more confident about no added sugar in my diet.
Starting small but highly meaningful.
Dear Mama's,
I am just like you. There are lines here, softness there, a bit more around the middle than I would like. There are the pressing thoughts, the nonstop doubts, the daunting whispers and the ghastly reflections that are like junior high bullies without mercy, without heart. There are magazines, there are movie stars, there are weight loss pills and diets and pre-packaged foods and support groups and political correctness that crowd this world, and somehow still, we must 'fit' and we must be 'fit'. There are wishy-washy definitions, there is gray and there is muddled uncertainty about what a mother should be, could be, would be. There is confusion, there is sadness, there is hurt and there is joy. There are the blessings and the trials of a life of a mother.
For myself, I carry much more weight than what I did 12 months ago. I have a beautiful little 4-year-old daughter and a 3-month-old son. I'm 20lbs away from pre-pregnancy weight, though I never quite had the ideal body. I have always struggled with about 20lbs that never seems to go away. Now that number is doubled. But I am not afraid, sisters. Nor am I discouraged when I see this weight in the mirror. Some days I have to fake my courage, but whether or not you feel it deep down inside, the armor stays put and I walk in it whether I feel like it or not. Those little red strands across my belly? They are sweet warm drippings of honey down my skin, straight from the creating Throneroom of God. He gave them to me because I asked for these babies, and to never be sad that their life is destined to be separate from mine, He gave me something tangible to keep with me always. Not a locket or a ring, not a string of pearls or a picture. He gave me a reminder right on my skin, and I will take them to the grave with me, knowing that my life of purpose was a life of a mother.
Yes, I struggle. Day after day after day I struggle. I struggle with wanting that piece of pie or that chocolate bar. I struggle with my reflection, I struggle with getting enough energy to workout once a day. I struggle with not calling myself fat and not recoiling every time my husband tries to hug me. But I will succeed, sisters, as will you, too. Be not afraid as we go through life as warriors, carrying nothing but our children on our backs and fire in our bellies. Be not afraid against the size 2's and the 16-year-olds on magazine covers. Because war is never 'pretty'. Neither is the finish line of a race. But who ever calls the runner 'ugly' when he has joy and relief splashed across his face?
We are blessed, anointed, called to the highest, most authoritative job on the face of this earth. We are mothers.
I miss my old best friend. But I have to keep remembering the bad with the good. I have to keep remembering that between those fifteen-hour soul-searching heart-empowering conversations between 'sisters', there was the vacuum-like drama, the draining self-centered phone calls, the vain endless chatter that I bored me and made me want nothing more than to hang up the phone and do what I finally did -- end the friendship.
Sometimes I second guess myself. But in the end, when all the nostalgia has faded like the sun, I remember late at night that what I did was end the drain. I am more invigorated because of it. I grew tired of the shallowness. I grew tired of the age and maturity gap. I grew tired of the childish things because I no longer play with them.
It was for the best. It really was. Every now and then I just forget that.
Current weight: 163lb.
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I am so looking forward to tomorrow morning. I didn't work out today, maybe it was for the better to give my body time to recuperate. My eating has not been so good the past few days, mainly due to the lack of food in the house. It's been hard to make good choices when there isn't much money in the bank to buy nutritious things. Pasta is a cheaper buy than a good pack of chicken breasts.
Tomorrow morning I'm going right into my Taebo workout again. My whole body is sore from yesterday's workout, mainly my upper arms and shoulders. That makes me so motivated to get at it again tomorrow, because the soreness proves to me that I worked hard, which means results! And when the soreness wears away after time, then the muscles will be my next motivation, peeking through the layers of weight. I'm excited, I'm starting to catch that wind that I have missed for such a long time. This time, reclaiming myself took lots of time, but I'm starting to get it back again.
My friend Bernie lost 27 pounds even before she gave birth to her first daughter. From the date of her first doctor's visit to the date of her delivery, she gained only 2 lbs. I cannot lie and say I am not sorely envious of that. But I keep it in the back of my mind and remember that it is possible to lose my 40 lbs. It is possible to fit into my size 4 jeans and become who I have never been in the past. Bernie looks amazing, like an entirely different person. Why can't I have the same? There is no reason that she can do it and I cannot. Weight has been an issue throughout my entire life, and I am tired of the battle. I want to become the person I have dreamed about for 27 years. My time is now.
I gave something today. I did an amazing Taebo workout this morning. As soon as the baby went to sleep I bypassed my normal routine of just wanting to sit and enjoy the break, and instead seized the opportunity to invigorate myself. I've done this particular workout before, but this time I adjusted the resistance bands and made it much harder on myself. It's the beginning of a long journey, but I know that before I realize it, I'm going to start seeing muscle and less fat than I've seen in quite some time. I need patience and persistence on this walk, but I'm going to press through to th end.
I love the motivation that Billy Blanks gives, he is incredible for that. Stay-at-home mothers have the hardest job in the world, fighting for their confidence and 'identity' every hour of every day. No one realizes it until they sign up for this job what it entails. It is not for the faint at heart. This is a job for a lionness.
But I am up for the challenge.
I had another job interview tomorrow, but I am going to cancel it. I'm not too sure about the hours, even though it's part-time. It's an office position in a retail environment, and night and weekend hours just aren't going to be easy for me. So I'm going to let it pass, even though it is with a Fortune Top 100 company. At least I know that my resume and my work experience is good enough to get me into the door with some of these companies. Anyway, I went to the store to try and find a shirt and some pants for the interview. Not a huge difference in the way I feel about myself, but it helps a little to be in a nice dress shirt and black slacks. Gives just a slight boost in confidence. I'm going to buy them anyway, because you know what? I deserve it. I need to enjoy where I am on the way to where I'm going. Just because I'm not there yet does not mean that I need to completely forget about myself. I'm still a person, I'm still myself. I'm still alive and breathing.
Today has been a good day.
| Before: 170 lbs., Size: 12 | Hometown: Warren, OH |
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| After: 120 lbs., Size: 4 |
Losing weight has always been a struggle for me. I was always on the heavier side and my weight, even in high school and grade school, would go up and down. I started doing the workouts about 2 years ago. I told myself everyday that I was going to win over this weight gain and just like Billy would tell me in the videos - "Where I am today is where my mind put me, where I'll be tomorrow is where my mind puts me." It has taught me so much about myself and I also discovered how I would love to help others like Billy helped me. I followed my dream of becoming a Tae Bo instructor and now teach several classes a week after attending certification camp last November. It takes work and determination and Billy is there right in the videos with you giving you all the encouragement that you need pushing to get through every last set. I love helping others reach their goals of health and wellness. Billy has shown me that we have the power to do anything we want to do. Thank you Billy!
Carolyn Culverhouse: A Desire to Change
After years of feeling trapped in losing a battle with her weight—and hitting over the 200-pound mark—Carolyn Culverhouse, a pediatric nurse from Wilmington, North Carolina, knew a change was needed. "I knew I desired to be healthy," she says. "That desire burned inside me and motivated me to make all the changes necessary to succeed."
She started by entering the Body-for-LIFE Challenge, a 12-week nutrition, training and supplementation program. But she didn’t stop there. After completing three consecutive Challenges, she became the 2001 Grand Champion (women age 51+). But that still wasn’t the end of it for Carolyn; she went on to complete two more Challenges.
"I stayed in the Challenges until my body was where I wanted it to be," Carolyn says. "I wanted to see the muscles in my legs and wear a swimsuit; something I had not worn in eight years."
In her quest to wear a size 8, Carolyn surpassed her expectations. She went from 41.5 percent body fat to 18 percent; 223 pounds to 137 pounds; and a size 20 to a size 4. "My confidence level is through the roof, and that smile in my after pictures says that without a word."
The will to succeed
Once deciding to transform her body, Carolyn became ill. "My body swelled to the point where I couldn’t wear my size 20 clothing, and my blood pressure was 190/109." Her doctor said she had a rare disease from earlier cases of bronchitis and pneumonia. Though shocked and frightened, Carolyn was determined to accomplish her fitness goals. "I changed from being scared to saying, ’I’m going to be OK. I’m going to win the Challenge. I’m going to live,’" Carolyn says.
On a mission
The beginning of Carolyn’s training was a struggle—she was scared she would hurt herself and embarrassed to look at herself in the mirror. "I was a sweaty, red-faced, 223-pound woman in an extra large T-shirt that wouldn’t fit over my 51-inch hips." Leaving puddles of sweat on the floor, Carolyn thought she should apologize to everyone at the gym. Then one day she realized, "I was on a mission—sorry everyone, you’ll just have to get over the view or turn your heads—I’m going to do this with all I have."
Taking control
At first, Carolyn did not give up any food, but on her free day she binged on junk food; food she craved all week. "One day I did a calorie count on my free day of 8,000!," she admits. "It took me two to three days to recover from days like that." The momentary enjoyment was not worth the suffering, and Carolyn knew enough was enough. "I began to eat more protein and vegetables, drank a gallon of water a day, and I limited my salt intake. Now I enjoy my free day, but I don’t live for it." She also started taking protein bars, nutrition shakes and food on her nutrition plan to work, the movies and friend’s homes. Carolyn kept telling herself that eating healthy and working out was like climbing a mountain, "the closer I get to the peak, the harder it is. Give up now, and I’ll miss the panoramic view from the top. The top is the thrill you can’t know until you get there."
To motivate herself through each workout, Carolyn relied on positive self-talk. "When I would do my cardio I would visualize climbing a mountain and reaching the peak, or running in marathon and winning," Carolyn says. "I always told myself I was having fun exercising."
Rewards for life
Completing five Challenges successfully has brought many rewards to Carolyn. Before, she would get winded bringing groceries up two flights of stairs or running for the phone. She’s now bursting with more energy, and she’s stronger at work. "My attitude has become more positive, I continue to live a healthy lifestyle, I have more confidence, and I’m more outgoing." Carolyn’s biggest reward was having her spirit of adventure return and having enough energy to act on it. "I’ve returned back to horseback riding, kayaking, biking and roller blading," she says. "I have spent some time learning how to apply make-up, restyling my hair and shopping for new clothes. It’s like coming to life again only with a healthier body than before. My friends say I’m 51 going on 15."
I felt the reality of where I am today. I had a job interview this morning and as I was getting dressed, I put on a slimming undergarment underneath my shirt and skirt. But as I stared at myself in every angle for a good hour, I couldn't bring myself to leave the house. I was so depressed about the way that I look, so horrified by my extra 40lbs that I cancelled my interview. I am paralyzed by this weight. I stay in this house to avoid the world because of it. It's time for change. No turning back now.
I cling to inspiration stories, and I need to cling to them even tighter. The time is ripe and ready for me to reap what I am starting to believe, that I do deserve this, that I need this, that I am not on the outside what I am deep down on the inside. This is mine for the taking. What I need is to start speaking it and start believing it. It is time for change. Time to leave the sugar and carbs behind and find my peace in something real.
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The Body-for-Life Challenge
Cheryl Rasmussen: A Positive Image
No time, no time! How many of us eager to get in better shape point to
a lack of time as the primary obstacle? We’re so busy and our lives are
so full, squeezing in regular workouts can seem like an appealing but
impossible dream. We watch as our bodies slump and sag, feeling too
harried to do much about it. It’s true that many Americans are working
harder than ever, but 34-year-old Cheryl Rasmussen proves that being
busy doesn’t have to mean being out of shape—and that an improved
fitness level can seem to create more time.
Cheryl wasn’t always a model of fitness. She struggled with her weight and body image for years, yo-yoing between diets ever since high school. Her frustration reached a climax last year, after she had her first baby. Cheryl gained 50 pounds with pregnancy, weighing in at 200 by the time she gave birth. Half a year later, she still carried those extra pounds. Despite having a new baby, she felt weighed down emotionally and physically. "I was depressed about the way my body looked and out of breath all the time," Cheryl says. "I had this negativity hanging over my head. I was still in maternity clothes five months after giving birth. I felt I should have been happier and that I was letting my family down. I needed to do something to be healthy and to be a positive image for my child and my husband."
The "something" turned out to be the 12-week fitness and nutrition program, the Body-for-LIFE Challenge. Cheryl remembered the Body-for-LIFE book her sister had given her during one of her earlier bouts with her weight. She found the book, opened it, and decided to start the Challenge the next day. Her sister entered the contest too, each acting as motivation and encouragement for the other.
That "now or never" feeling
As a new mother and a full-time employee at Sun Microsystems, Cheryl’s days were already packed. "Some people might say that when you have a baby at home, it’s not the opportune time to start a new regimen, but I had to do it then. There’s never a perfect time to start anything. There was no way to postpone it," she says.
Cheryl invested in dumbbells and began weight lifting at home three mornings a week and running or doing 30 minutes of Tae-Bo videos on alternate mornings. To fit in her workouts and not get derailed during the day, she decided to start her day at 5 a.m., before her baby awoke. She also began preparing simple meals to bring to work, enabling her to eat six small, healthy meals a day.
In the beginning, Cheryl worked out at
home because she was too embarrassed to show her body—and fledgling
fitness skills—at the gym. After about four weeks, she felt comfortable
and confident enough to use the gym at work. She still woke up at 5
a.m., taking the hour-and-a-half commute to the office early to lift
weights before her workday began.
After six weeks, other people
started noticing a difference. "They’d say how great I looked and asked
me what I was doing to lose the weight. That’s when I went shopping for
new gym attire and actually bought shorts and short-sleeve shirts
rather than continue wearing my oversize sweats," Cheryl says.
By September 2002, 12 weeks after starting her new routine, Cheryl was down to 145, her target weight (she’s 5 feet 8 ½ inches). She had lost 23 pounds and 18 total inches, cutting her body fat to 17 percent and dropping 8 dress sizes. She was thrilled about her success and full of energy. Little did she know that there was more good news to come.
Techniques of a winner
Sticking
to a new challenging routine can be difficult, even for the very
self-disciplined, because you’re battling years of entrenched habits.
Like others who have made dramatic lifestyle transformations, Cheryl
used a variety of motivational techniques to help her stay on track.
"The
main thing was that I had to plan ahead. I couldn’t just do it day by
day. I’d make a lot of recipes on the weekend to last me through the
week. I had the portable ready-to-drink shakes and a blender in my
office," Cheryl says. "I also told everybody that I was doing this
Challenge to help keep me accountable. I told co-workers, family and
friends."
She also relied on a "team" of staunch supporters. Her sister, who has also committed to working out and following the nutrition plan, was a great source of motivation and encouragement. She and Cheryl shared inspiration and recipes. Cheryl’s husband, Chris, picked up the slack in other areas. If the baby woke up while she was working out, Chris took care of him. He also assumed other baby-related tasks that Cheryl had previously handled. Cheryl says that for her, having that family support was crucial.
She found additional support and ideas from books and magazines, including Energy for Women and Muscle Media. She made copies of exercises and brought them to the gym to help her use proper form. She also studied the before and after pictures of other Challenge winners. "I knew that if these people could do it, normally people with busy lives, I could too. The short-term pain was going to lead to long-term gratification in my life."
She also used her own "before" picture to push herself forward. "Since I was so thoroughly disgusted with it, I posted it next to my bed. It was the last thing I looked at before going to bed and the first thing I looked at in the morning. That kept me on track because I didn’t want to look like that. I needed to have it visual, to have it out there in front of me."
Soon her own body started resembling the "after" pictures she had been viewing. Seeing her own success soon became the greatest motivation of all.
An outer and inner transformation
After
12 weeks, Cheryl had reached her initial goal. "I was thrilled that I
had met my goal, and my energy level was amazing. I was feeling really,
really great," she says. She took her "after" photos, sent them into
the Body-for-LIFE contest, and continued with the workouts and
nutrition. "I continued living that way. From the beginning, I knew
this was a lifestyle change. I wasn’t looking for a quick fix," she
says.
Then, several months later, Cheryl learned that she had won the Body-for-LIFE
contest for her age range. Winning, for Cheryl, was the icing on the
(fat-free) cake. "I was in shock. It was such a great accomplishment
for me, and it was amazing that I was recognized for something I did
for myself," she says.
Though she did it for herself, her accomplishment continues to benefit others. "People can see that I’m motivated, happy and super-energetic and also that I’m very consistent when I go to work out. About a dozen people I know have entered the Challenge. Inspiring others has been one of the greatest things about this."
Today, Cheryl continues to work out and eat six healthy
meals a day. Now that fitness is an ingrained part of her life, she
often uses the gym during her lunch hour, rather than waking up every
day at 5 a.m. Since January 2003, she’s lost another 14 pounds. But her
inner transformation is even more significant. "The most rewarding
thing for me was that I could transform my body and also my mind and my
spirit. If you set your goals high enough and really focus on them and
accomplish them, it helps increase your confidence, which translates
into other areas of your life. If you want something bad enough, you
can get it. You just have to make sure that you believe in it."
Sara Rue is a big inspiration to me. Her size, her curves, her dark hair and eyes.. they are all reminiscent of the current me, and I fully plan on the current Sara Rue to be the soon-to-be me..
She's absolutely stunning, and exactly what I envision for myself in the near future. I am in love with the idea of re-inventing myself, because it is so long overdue. I don't just need or want this. I deserve this. I owe this to myself. This time, I write so that I will never forget this again. It's a day at the spa, a new haircut, a mani/pedi, a five-course dinner at a fine restaurant. It's my reward, this persuit of a new body and a new life, after giving birth to two children. It's reward, not my punishment or payment to have a new body. It's my crown and glory.
Slowly I am learning to love this shape of mine, but the hardest part is accepting who I am on the way to where I am going. I will get there soon. For now, I have this to remind me.
The trick is to keep moving! I've got to keep moving, stop procrastinating on any little thing, like the laundry or the dishes. I've got to become more active, stay true to my promises, stay on my feet through the day and get things done. The feeling of accomplishment at the end of the day is priceless. So even if I miss a workout or I am unable to follow through with exactly what my plans were for the day, I still know that I did something worthwhile. There will be stumbling blocks but they are so easily overcome. Shadows are nothing but the absence of light, there is nothing to fear.
I WILL OVERCOME.
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